Is your spouse or colleague seeing red? According to a psychology professor, there are certain phrases that we all say, believing we are doing the right thing, which nevertheless make the situation worse. What is the right attitude then?
You felt the mood change and the person nearby tense. Because of a word, or an innocuous remark, you find yourself close to a person who suddenly lets their anger explode. An unpleasant and embarrassing situation depending on the context, not always easy to manage. Unfortunately, to calm things down, we all have the same ineffective, even harmful, reflex.
These three phrases you should definitely not say to someone who is exploding
The subject was precisely at the heart of an American podcast “Am I Doing It Wrong?” in which guest Ryan Martin, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, delivered 3 phrases that we use wrongly and which only make the situation worse.
- “Calm down”. Paradoxically, this little injunction to regain calm would only do the opposite. “Never in history has a 'calm down' calmed someone down.” he confirms.
- Same with words used like “relax” or “relax”: “who have never relaxed anyone”, according to the expert and risk being returned to you without preamble.
- Finally, advising the person to do things like “breathe” will not have much impact at that particular moment.
“When people are in a tantrum, they're not necessarily thinking as rationally, and are a little defensive. You're not going to make progress with those kinds of direct statements that they don't hear.” , he explains in the podcast. The funniest thing according to him? “Often when people tell someone to calm down, they yell or say it in a very loud and stern voice. Professor Martin said. Not very logical…
Good in his body, good in his head!
The right attitude to handle this situation
As benevolent as they are, we should therefore repackage these sentences inviting the angry person to calm down. Instead the author of the book How to Deal with Angry People (translation How to deal with angry people) explains a technique that works without further irritating our interlocutor.
“If you step back a little and start speaking softer than usual, start communicating in a slightly softer tone, the person should adjust to your attitude inherently. This is also rooted in our evolutionary history, that we tend to match the tone of the people around us. This can help alleviate the situation without using these triggering phrases, which tend to make us even more irritated.
Once the intensity has subsided a bit, you are more likely to respond appropriately. This reaction could be for example to let him know 'you are obviously very upset by this, let's discuss some solutions together'. “Ways to validate their feelings without necessarily validating the cause of their feelings”, concludes the expert. To be tested the next time a loved one gets angry?
