I understood that I must learn to love myself in order to defeat all my demons
They say that everything comes from the head, from insecurities and low self-esteem, that I should first of all resolve inner conflicts and then regain physical and mental well-being. And I don't want to question the words of the experts and those who take care of me, my problems and paranoia, I just say that when the time comes, everything happens so fast that I realize what I have done only in one second moment.
Because in those moments, a very strong and uncontrollable impulse pushes me towards the refrigerator, or towards the pantry, late at night or at dawn, sometimes even in broad daylight. There is only one thing that can stop it and that is the presence of other people, for the rest I am completely helpless against this feeling.
I call them my demons, they are the ones I have to feed because they are never satisfied, and they always come to see me when I am alone with myself. And I must admit that talking about it, it seems clear to me that there is something wrong with me.
I understood that I suffer from an eating disorder, those that are still not clear to me are the reasons that push me to do what I do, which makes me understand that the road to recovery is still long.
What I know for sure is that I have a love and hate relationship with food: I love to eat when I am in company, I love cooking for myself and for the people who are part of my life, I delight in the kitchen in a carefree way and when I sit at the table, I only eat what my body needs.
But then I remain alone, and those demons peep inside me, to the point of pushing me to what the experts call Binge eating or binges. And those are the moments when I hate food, and I hate myself for what I've done.
They told me that I must learn to forgive myself, and above all to listen to me because eating has to do with feelings, with the brain, with the heart and soul, and that suffering affects food. They told me that in my case, food becomes a way to numb negative emotions, even if it makes me feel worse afterwards.
They told me that I have to learn to manage my emotions and to defeat those demons once and for all with love, towards myself. And I want to try, this time for real.