Being discreet about your relationship when everything is very new can be understood. But when a person persists in hiding their relationship from others, it can reveal toxic behavior that is best avoided, as psychologist Johanna Rozenblum reveals.
When they are in love, some people like to shout it from the rooftops. Others, on the other hand, are more discreet, even secretive. But if your partner does not present you anywhere as his other half, and keeps you away from his life in every way, beware! You may be a victim of what is called “pocketing”.
Pocketing, a way of keeping your partner “under the elbow”
The term pocketing is new (like all the terms that characterize relationships today), but refers to a real behavior: out of shame, jealousy, or embarrassment, some people make the decision to hide their partner from the rest of the world. world. The partner is therefore “kept in the pocket” without really being integrated into the life of the other. A practice which generates in the short or medium term in the individual hidden from others numerous doubts, questions and a lack of self-confidence: “Am I not worthy of being his or her partner?”
Signs that should alert you
Don’t worry if you don’t meet your spouse’s family within a month of meeting. “Let us remember, however, that each couple has its own temporality.” reacts Johanna Rozenblum, psychologist and member of our committee of experts to whom we presented this new concept, “some need time to gain confidence, or do not have sufficiently peaceful relationships with their family to introduce someone who matters.” However, when a relationship is going well there is no real reason to hide the person you are dating from your entire social circle.
Certain details can therefore put you on the path:
- Does the person refuse to show you on social media?
- Does she find excuses to cancel planned outings with friends or family?
- Does she categorically refuse to show you affection in public?
- Does she introduce you as just a friend?
If this is the case, it is necessary to react, because this constant sidelining induces a feeling of rejection, and quickly damages trust, which can lead to depressive disorders when the relationship lasts like this.
Why is this a toxic attitude?
For Johanna Rozenblum, this type of relationship based on secrecy can lead to toxic relationships. “This way of possessing the other is ultimately a harsh way of telling them ‘you are not admirable, representative or rewarding enough for me to present you as my spouse, but you are enough. to fill a lack, a need for affection and therefore so that I keep you for myself’. It is a form of possessiveness that borders on manipulation. The partner is objectified, that is to say considered as an object not interesting enough to be in society, but good enough to satisfy the need to be in a relationship.
How to react if you are in this situation?
Do you recognize yourself in the notion of pocketing? But how do you react, especially if you care about the person you meet? For Maria Sullivan, dating expert and vice president of Dating.com interviewed by Glamour UK, communication is the first step to take here. Talk to your partner about what worries you, what doesn’t suit you, to try to clear up any misunderstandings. “It’s important to address the underlying issues that may be causing this.”she insists.
On the other hand, if your discussion confirms the state of affairs and if the other does not see where the problem is, “Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if it’s time to change.”she concludes.
To live happily, let’s live hidden, of course, but not in one direction…
