When taking stock of your romantic relationships, do you notice that you always attract the same profile of people, generally toxic? There is indeed an explanation, which relates to childhood. So how do we get out of this type of pattern? Here is the advice of Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and therapist in Paris, specializing in anxiety disorders, depression, addictions and emotional disorders.
After several love stories that ended badly, you wonder why you always attract the same type of person, who generally makes you suffer.
To understand why you fall into this type of love pattern, you have to go back to childhood and understand the type of attachment you faced when you were younger. And rest assured, it is possible to get out of it.
What is a toxic relationship?
To understand what a toxic relationship is, you must first define it. “A toxic relationship can be of three types” first details Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and therapist in Paris, specializing in anxiety disorders, depression, addictions and emotional disorders.
“It can be a relationship with a narcissistic pervert, who needs someone to feed his narcissism, like a mirror, so to speak; it can be a relationship with a manipulator, who needs the other to satisfy his own needs and desires, and finally, it can happen within a couple formed by two healthy people, but whose relationship will not work. For example, when an anxious person, who needs constant reassurance, is in a relationship with a rather avoidant person, incapable of meeting this need.
Why do we reproduce this type of relationship?
To understand why we accumulate toxic relationships, we have to go back to our childhood. “These people experienced a parent who did not give them the love they needed as a child. In perpetual demand and need for love and compliments, they have a faulty manual on how to love and go towards what they know, once they become adults. explains the specialist.
“Some people, on the contrary, will never come across this type of relationship because certain signals will make them cut it short. But when we are faced with a dysfunctional love pattern, we don’t have these safeguards, so to speak. So by habit, by reflex, the person will engage in the relationship“.
How to get out of this pattern?
“To free yourself from this dysfunctional love pattern, you have to analyze the facts, look back at the relationship and realize what was wrong.” advises the therapist.
At the same time, the person must learn to know themselves, to love themselves, to know what they want in love, what is the image of the couple they wish to form, what are their needs, their desires, his expectations. “Very often, when a person accumulates toxic relationships, they are unable to answer these questions” note encore Christian Richomme.
Once this first phase has been completed, it is time to set limits for future relationships. This concerns symbolic values such as respect, trust, but also in everyday life, what the other can allow or not. “The person must absolutely ask them before the start of the relationship, once you are committed, it is much more difficult“warns the therapist.”And if we don’t do it, the rules arise by themselves and the person will spend their time rectifying them.”.
Is this work that can be done alone or is the help of a professional necessary? It all depends on the situations, according to Christian Richomme. “In some cases, this questioning is possible to carry out independently, in other cases, when a person’s self-esteem and confidence are broken, the help of a specialist will save time and re-establish these essential elements to get back up.”. And tackle a new love story, healthy this time.