Pleasing and making everyone happy is the driving force behind these “too nice” people who are always ready to be of service. But this attitude comes at a price, slowly but surely wearing you down and trying to be loved every day. Limits are necessary.
Kindness and benevolence are far from being ugly faults. But some people take it further, and simply don't know how to listen to their own desires when something is expected of them. People who are a little “too nice”, who today we call people pleasers.
Putting the happiness of others before your own
“The people pleaser is someone who tends to constantly seek to satisfy and please others to the detriment of their own needs or interests. personal boundaries” dstands out for us Johanna Rozenblum, clinical psychologist and member of our expert committee.
And if the definition speaks to you, we might as well tell you, you are not alone: On TikTok, the hashtag #peoplepleaser has more than a billion occurrences. Kim Kardashian herself recently spoke about this feeling that overwhelmed her until recently:
“I obeyed the wishes of others for a very long time without realizing it. The day I understood this and put my happiness first, I was already 40 years old!”
People pleasers therefore find themselves in a sort of model to be held with boxes to check: those of the reliable and always available friend, of the perfect mother, of the employee who never hesitates to accomplish more tasks, of the daughter or son who follows the path chosen by their parents… With the increasing risk of running into burnout.
An uncomfortable attitude that hides flaws… and dangers
But this way of acceding to all requests is not just a quality. It is also a sign of several small dysfunctions in the person. First of all, a problem of self-affirmation. “Accessing the desires of others is even the obvious sign of a lack of self-esteemcoupled with great anxiety and emotional dependence” underlines Elodie Crépel, psychoanalyst, in her comic strip Atypically Notre.
“These people want to be accepted, to be loved, which pushes them to say yes to almost everyone, even to the detriment of their own needs, even if it puts them in an uncomfortable situation, and that creates an emotional and relational imbalance also in love the people pleaser neglects their own physical and emotional needs, and has difficulty expressing their own opinions for fear of feeling rejected. also continues Johanna Rozenblum.
In the end, the people pleaser is afraid of finding himself in a conflict and therefore displeasing. He prefers to overadapt and override his own desires than to offend the other or lose his love: a dangerous attitude which can attract manipulators or narcissistic perverts in particular.
Good in his body, good in his head!
How to get out of this limiting box?
Fortunately, we are not born people pleasers and we can therefore also get out of it, but we still have to realize this lack of limits which exhausts us.
For Elodie Crépel, certain signals can already alert us, such as fatigue or annoyance which come back tirelessly. The other alert is that of feeling: if you don't want to do something, then don't do it! Advice that's a little easier said than done for people who are no longer used to listening to their little inner voice.
In this case, the expert advises taking a little distance and having moments of solitude to be centered on yourself. And to apply the OSBD method when we ask them something:
- O like observing: “You're asking me to add a folder to my day. That's right ?” ;
- S for feeling: “Am I already in a state of stress, fatigue, how do I feel?”;
- B as needed: “what do I need to respond positively or decline, if applicable” (time, a deadline, help…);
- And D for request: either the fact of daring to ask something for you “Ok but you relieve me of another file then.”
Finally, the people pleaser must understand that disagreement is part of life and will not threaten him. However, if it is too difficult to change, it is always possible to talk about it with a professional who will help you see things more clearly and set more limits.
